So here I am. Sitting on a muddy floor in the woods. It's not the typical place I would come and write or my usual go to to clear my head. But I'm here. I wanted to write and express all the thoughts and ideas I had as I was pulling out of Miami and I didn't have the time to do it. Our next stop was North Carolina and my husband dragged me out of my element, into the woods to sit and write. I can't help but think of all the things we need to do before our cross country road trip and how I left the house a huge mess. My husband says "just listen to the woods". And so for now, while I sit here surrounded by leaves, trees and fresh air, I shall try to just listen.
I have gotten really good at letting go. Letting go of bottled up emotions, difficult relationships, things I can't control about my surroundings and about other people. I have let go of lots and lots of junk and clutter and even sentimental junk that I have saved for many years. I have learned to let go of what I know and allow myself to fall into the unknown, into new un chartered territory. I have learned to let myself open up to new surroundings and to stumble down rocky paths full of uncertainties and difficulties. I have learned to toughen up and to let go of my emotional spiritual and physical comforts, to focus on the smaller and bigger picture. To open my eyes to letting go. Letting the mess just be. Letting the discomforts and challenges just be. Letting the kids just be. And most importantly, letting myself just be. I have learned to let go of myself in ways I never knew I could. I have learned that is indeed possible to push beyond my self imposed limitations, push past the difficulties that keep me tied down. I learned that I could learn many new things and that I can inspire and teach others. I have learned about my inner strengths and how strong they are indeed.
I have let go of needing to feel strong all the time and I have let go of needing to feel weak.
Yes, letting go is a skill we can all learn and live by. Its refreshing, releasing and invigorating.
Yet, there is also something about holding on. Holding on to those bits of sentimentality from childhood. Bits of memories, good and not good, that have made us who we are. Holding on to dreams and wishes and goals that may or may not ever come to be. Holding on to ourselves, believing in and nurturing our strengths and weakness, recognizing when to say no, accepting our own natural limitations. Holding on is a powerful tool to guide us on our journeys.
As we were cleaning out our storage closet before leaving Miami I stood there, sending almost everything to the garbage. I love throwing things out. I have been accused of chucking things that still had good use, but hey, I love to declutter. Haven't found a way of letting go of that one yet.
So as our storage closet was emptying out my husband picked up one last small box and as he peeked inside, he laughed as he saw a bunch of gold sparkley kitchen tiles that I bought 6.5 years ago in the hope of decorating my new kitchen when we bought our house. That never happened and the tiles went down to the basement. When we moved from NY three years later I insisted the tiles come with us because maybe, just maybe I would use them in my new house in Miami. That never happened either. And now, as we were leaving Miami, I insisted again that those tiles would be coming with us. Coming with us to where exactly I do not know yet. But they would be coming. Now, and always, Because maybe just one day, I will use those sparkly gold tiles in a new kitchen. And if I never do get to use them, they will just be there to remind me of that dream I once had. Not just the desire of building a new kitchen, but the desire to tap into myself to help me grasp all the possibilities and opportunities I have to grow, all the challenges I have to face and all the smooth and bumpy roads I will have to walk down. I will forge ahead. I will let go and I will hold on.
And oh, he's right. Just listen to the woods. They have a lot to tell.
